My status update on Facebook, posted a little over an hour ago, reads, “Considering writing a “moving to New York to expand the possibilities of an adventurous life” blog. This scares and excites me.”
And it does!
My scant blog posts in the past have taken hours of careful crafting and revision, and even then, I find spelling errors and silly writing stumbles, and I’m a little bit embarrassed by them, yet I check to see if anyone has commented on them and feel a bit let down when no one does.
So, if I blog on a regular basis, I can’t second-guess myself every step of the way; I don’t have that much time.
If I blog on a regular basis, then I’m opening myself up so much. What if, hearing that I am a writer (because I have a freshly-minted MFA in writing), people expect me to write fascinating and beautifully-wrought posts, and then they find I’m not all that interesting? I mean, I’m actually not all that interesting, in a contemporary, pop-culture way. If I wrote about my life, it would be a lot about work, British sitcoms and radio dramas, getting lost while driving — even with a GPS, and singing in an a cappella Renaissance choir. There would be very little about my wild adventures upon “going out.” I don’t really “go out.” What if I prove myself to be just as awkward as when I was in junior high?
What if, hearing that I’m going to blog about my life, the frequency of entries ramped up to coincide with my move from Maine to New York, people roll their eyes and think, “She’s so excited about moving to New York. Like a zillion people live there. It’s not such a big deal. What a hick.” (Those would be some awfully mean, snide people, and I don’t actually know any people like that, but what if they’re out there, just poised to judge me and my writing and my life!?)
What if, in response to the fact that I’m going to write about the experiences I have expanding my career as an actor in New York, I completely FAIL to expand my career as an actor in New York? Wouldn’t that be embarrassing, if my blog just sort of peters off because I don’t book a single gig or even get a callback?
Making a commitment to blogging seems really kind of scary, for all those reasons and more.
But even so, I think I’m going to go for it. I think it could be kind of great. I’ve never lived in New York, and so what if it’s not cool to be excited? I’m FREAKING EXCITED! I’ve wanted to live in New York and be an actor and a writer since I was in seventh grade! I grew up in Idaho, which is not just 3,000 miles away from New York, but a WORLD away from New York, so I’ve got all the youthful enthusiasm and energy and wide-eyed delight about this move as a nearly 36-year-old woman could possibly have! I’ve got this great digital camera, and I could take pictures of my new life, and share them with you! It would be like you’re moving to New York, too! Or if you live there — like a zillion people do — maybe you’ll find it funny that I say excuse me when I bump into people in Times Square (so, approximately 98 apologies in the space of 5 minutes), or that I actually make eye contact with sidewalk musicians and thank them for making my day more beautiful, or that I look for rats in the subway — the bigger the better — because they are strangely horrifying and THRILLING!?
I’m just a couple of days away from officially moving to New York, after twelve years in Maine. Everything is about to change. People ask why I’m moving, when I love Portland and my community and my apartment and my life, and I’ve been answering, “I’ve been enormously lucky in Maine. I’m moving to New York to put myself in alignment with New York-sized luck.” I wonder if I write on a regular basis, write quickly and without judgment about what’s happening, and what I dream of happening, what luck will open up?